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Desires Unwanted

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Peaceful.

That’s the perfect description for my morning. As I sit here under a blanket, next to our lighted tree, drinking a cup of coffee, I have a special guest. She is one that I have been dreaming about my whole life, and one I am only so lucky to get the chance to meet. She doesn’t say anything, just reminds me she is there with the little flutters of her feet. This guest is my baby girl. Whether it’s the warmth of the blanket or the caffeine from the coffee, she is up and ready for the day, ready to constantly remind me of her presence, and I couldn’t ask for anything more.

Ever since I was 10 I told my mom all I wanted to do was be a wife and a mom. Well, 10 years later that prayer was answered and I married Goodman. Check. 8 months after that we found out we were having a baby. Check. I should have been the happiest girl in the world having all my wishes fulfilled by the time I was 21, right? Then why wasn’t I? I found myself frustrated and scared. Frustrated that my plans didn’t go according to the way I saw best. Frustrated that timing never seemed to work the way we wanted it to. Scared that my life and everything I had “planned” whether it was school, a career, or a wild adventure were just dreams now. Scared that I was going to disappoint people due to postponing school, not working full time, or having a baby so young, etc. Don’t get me wrong, knowing you are going to be bringing a child into this world is not an easy thing to swallow, and even the most “prepared” people tend to have their doubtful and weak moments, but the problem for me was that this fear and frustration was blocking out all my joy. This child, this tiny human that I have longed for my whole life, wasn’t being celebrated the way she deserved due to my insecurities. What kind of crap is that? Well it’s sinful crap for sure, and just another way to show how ungrateful I can be, and not recognize the beauty in my life.

Well, about 2 weeks ago Goodman and I got to go in and find out if our little one was a boy or a girl. Up until this point really nothing about the whole thing felt real. I felt fine, still fit in my skinny jeans, hadn’t felt any movement, and honestly didn’t think about it all that much. However, as soon as they put that cold gel on my belly and told us we were having a little girl it all changed. A girl. A sweet little girl that the Lord entrusted us with to raise. A sweet little girl that has her daddy’s nose. A sweet little girl that is ours. We created her and she is ours. It truly seemed like it all happened overnight after that. A little belly finally started to poke out, we could finally feel her little feet fluttering and could even see her moving (when she wanted to let us see of course), and we chose a name for her. I really do believe that the Lord was waiting to show me all this beauty until I really realized the gift he had given me. As soon as I recognized her as my own daughter and thanked Him for her, he granted me with the ability to see and feel this little one. It’s amazing the ways He works. He always prepares us for what is to come, and gives us the grace to deal with it when it does.

Sure, I’m still terrified. I don’t know the first thing about raising a child, and I’m sure there are going to be many ways that we screw up, but I am so thankful that He is giving us this chance. I don’t see it as our lives ending, but becoming fuller. I don’t see my school/work situation as a failure, just detoured and redirected to an even greater work that He has set for me. Shiloh Faye. That’s my work now, and I couldn’t be more excited about it. From the day we found out we were pregnant, I was set on the name Shiloh. I wasn’t really positive why, but just knew I loved it. Now I know why. Shiloh means peace and abundance, and it was where the Israelites kept the Ark of the Covenant. This little girl has already taught me to have peace in uncertain times, and showed me how an abundant life is given to us only through the Lord’s plans, and not the single minded plans we set for ourselves. Goodman thought of the name Faye, and again, it couldn’t be more perfect. Confidence. That is what she has given me through this. The confidence to realize that we aren’t going to always do things by the book, and our lives aren’t always going to go the way we plan, but He knows what he is doing and we can rest in that. I don’t need to be embarrassed that I am so young and having a baby when I haven’t finished school and we aren’t financially set for life. I need to be confident that He has a plan and a purpose for me  much greater and better than I could ever hope for or imagine, and give thanks for the amazing gift He has given me.

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3 Comments

  • Reply Lisa Jacob

    Beautifully stated. Full of truth….love …and wisdom. To God be the glory and prayers and blessing on sweet Shiloh Faye! Love you Nicki… you are proof that one doesn’t need to parent perfectly, for God to do amazing works in the life of a child of His.

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    December 3, 2014 at 12:41 pm
  • Reply Laura George

    I recall a young lady, about age 14, I believe, who found herself pregnant, not yet married and probably feeling very unprepared for motherhood. She pondered it all and said a resounding YES and trusted God. Her name was Mary and her son was Jesus. You are in good company! So blessed to have you in our family and gifting us with a sweet granddaughter!

    December 3, 2014 at 11:53 pm
  • Reply Megan Kodatt

    Nicole, EVERY bit of this post resonated with me. This sounds exactly like the road I was walking 9 years ago (and I’m still walking now… Just further along). You will be a sweet wonderful mommy! If you ever want someone to talk to, I’d love to be there for you, the beginning of my marriage and motherhood are so similar to yours, I remember all of those feelings!

    December 4, 2014 at 12:03 am
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