being a mom.
that is what i have always wanted to be. from the time i was 12, that was my goal. granted, i knew things had to come before that, but i so looked forward to the time when i could finally call someone my child. that time has come. & as i sit here sipping on my first hot cup of coffee of the day, watching little faye in the baby monitor, i am completely humbled & broken all at the same time.
i never thought being a mom would be easy, but i’m not going to lie, i did think i would be good at it. i mean i love kids, what else is there to it? a lot. this job is a heck of a lot harder than i thought it would be, & i am not so good at it. there is so much more to it than i thought there would be, & i am so much more selfish than i thought i was. i was so used to doing me, that when my life shifted to doing everything for Faye, my world was rocked. when all my days ran together, & they all looked the same, i felt confused and discontent. isn’t motherhood supposed to be fulfilling? not always. everyday you clean the same rooms // wash the same clothes // change the same diapers // make the same food // & make the same to do lists to make sure you do it all again tomorrow. it’s monotonous & wearing. the hardest thing for me was that Faye was such a good baby. i know that seems like an oxymoron. it is something i am so thankful for, but the problem with her being so good all the time is that when i didn’t feel content with everything my life had become, i felt completely & utterly guilty & selfish. how could i have a hard time when my babe sleeps through the night, doesn’t cry, & is happy most of the time? because life is hard. people are hard. sacrifice is hard.
no matter how wonderful my little babe is, she is still a person, & being with another person 24/7 really does wear on oneself. constantly thinking of another ones needs before your own basic needs can drag you down. i hit a breaking point the other day. i just felt like i couldn’t do it anymore. i came to realize that it wasn’t even that things were incredibly hard, but it was more that i wasn’t letting myself admit when things were hard. i wasn’t giving myself any credit for how much work i do for this little person. i had to realize that even if we don’t have “bad” days, we do have hard days. even if she isn’t a “hard” babe, she is still a babe that needs so much from me. even if i feel like i should be able to handle everything, it’s okay that i can’t. even though i’ve always wanted to be a mother, it’s okay to admit that sometimes it isn’t all i thought it would be. i cannot look to my child to be my fulfillment. she adds so much joy to my life, but she isn’t where i can find my worth.
i’ve begun to try to look at my days differently. sure, there are still hard ones, where i feel like i do all the same things all the time, but i’m trying to look at the good things i get to do over and over again. i get to kiss the same little lips everyday // i get to wake up to the same sweet smile // i get to see her learn and discover new things // i get to be the one to meet her needs // & i get to love on her everyday. she’s my best little friend, & she has taught me so much more about contentment & being true to myself in these two short months than i have learned in my short lifetime.