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Being content in discontentment

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being a mom.

that is what i have always wanted to be. from the time i was 12, that was my goal. granted, i knew things had to come before that, but i so looked forward to the time when i could finally call someone my child. that time has come. & as i sit here sipping on my first hot cup of coffee of the day, watching little faye in the baby monitor, i am completely humbled & broken all at the same time.

i never thought being a mom would be easy, but i’m not going to lie, i did think i would be good at it. i mean i love kids, what else is there to it? a lot. this job is a heck of a lot harder than i thought it would be, & i am not so good at it. there is so much more to it than i thought there would be, & i am so much more selfish than i thought i was. i was so used to doing me, that when my life shifted to doing everything for Faye, my world was rocked. when all my days ran together, & they all looked the same, i felt confused and discontent. isn’t motherhood supposed to be fulfilling? not always. everyday you clean the same rooms // wash the same clothes // change the same diapers // make the same food // & make the same to do lists to make sure you do it all again tomorrow. it’s monotonous & wearing. the hardest thing for me was that Faye was such a good baby. i know that seems like an oxymoron. it is something i am so thankful for, but the problem with her being so good all the time is that when i didn’t feel content with everything my life had become, i felt completely & utterly guilty & selfish. how could i have a hard time when my babe sleeps through the night, doesn’t cry, & is happy most of the time? because life is hard. people are hard. sacrifice is hard.

no matter how wonderful my little babe is, she is still a person, & being with another person 24/7 really does wear on oneself. constantly thinking of another ones needs before your own basic needs can drag you down. i hit a breaking point the other day. i just felt like i couldn’t do it anymore. i came to realize that it wasn’t even that things were incredibly hard, but it was more that i wasn’t letting myself admit when things were hard. i wasn’t giving myself any credit for how much work i do for this little person. i had to realize that even if we don’t have “bad” days, we do have hard days. even if she isn’t a “hard” babe, she is still a babe that needs so much from me. even if i feel like i should be able to handle everything, it’s okay that i can’t. even though i’ve always wanted to be a mother, it’s okay to admit that sometimes it isn’t all i thought it would be. i cannot look to my child to be my fulfillment. she adds so much joy to my life, but she isn’t where i can find my worth.

i’ve begun to try to look at my days differently. sure, there are still hard ones, where i feel like i do all the same things all the time, but i’m trying to look at the good things i get to do over and over again. i get to kiss the same little lips everyday // i get to wake up to the same sweet smile // i get to see her learn and discover new things // i get to be the one to meet her needs // & i get to love on her everyday. she’s my best little friend, & she has taught me so much more about contentment & being true to myself in these two short months than i have learned in my short lifetime.

ShilohMonth28BW

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1 Comment

  • Reply laura11kids

    Love your precious honesty. I felt much the same way, first time around. The investment is monotonous, seeming to drag on for years. But look what I got out of the investments I’ve made…eleven amazing and precious children, most now adults, who are the joy of my life. Keep on girl, it goes faster than it feels and the fruit is sweet after just a little while.

    June 19, 2015 at 1:30 am
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