Please forgive me if I sound like a broken record, and I have written about this or something of similar nature before. Maybe this is just a constant theme in my life? Something that I will never master, and will always struggle with. Maybe this is my thing. The thing that I will never be able to escape no matter how hard I try to. When I am 80 am I still going to be wrestling with this? Still hoping to see the light one day? For the sake of hope, let’s just say that this is a phase. That as my mother always says, “This too shall pass.”
Last night I found myself lying on the rug in our kitchen. I wasn’t crying, I didn’t fall, we weren’t fighting. No, I was just feeling defeated.
Change is something that is always really exciting to me. I used to rearrange my furniture in my room as a little girl, and was always saving up my pennies so I could buy a new quilt or pillow from Walmart. I really love change. However, with that being said, I am not patient when it comes to change. I don’t like to prep myself, take my time to get ready for it, and ease my way into it. No, I want to just jump right in. The in between stages kill me. The looking ahead while still being away. It can be a good thing, because it makes me really motivated, but when there are things, such as time, that I can’t speed up or control, I have an incredibly hard time.
At the end of June we had to tell our landlord that we were not renewing our lease. Ever since we told them, I have been checked out. Ready to be in our new house already. The problem with that is that our lease is not up until October 1. So we had 3 months between deciding we are ready for something new and a change, and actually getting to make that change. That is torture for me. 3 months to think about what is next.
I know that it may seem kind of weird that that is so hard for me, so let me try to explain. Once we decided to leave this house, it stopped feeling like home to me. I started taking things down, so we have been in the process of packing and moving for over 2 months now. I have had a hard time getting motivated with school, blogging, relationships, etc. because I feel like I need to be packing, cleaning, getting things ready for the move. When I am in a transitional phase, I can’t think about ANYTHING else. The idea of it is more overwhelming than the actual event. It is really such a curse. There are more hours in the day than I need for this right now, but I spend all those extra hours thinking about it. Instead of playing at the park with my family, I am at home trying to figure out what we should keep/throw away, and cleaning out closets. Instead of writing, reading, or doing schoolwork, I am looking online at the different things we will need/want for our new home. Instead of exercising or spending time with friends, we are organizing, packing, and planning.
I’ll be honest with you, it sucks. It is the most time consuming thing I deal with. Transitions paralyze me. Instead of feeling incredibly productive and making the most of each minute I have during the day, I freeze. I don’t know how to move forward, I put the important things on the back burners, and end of dropping the ball on everything else.
Last night I was beginning to feel the weight this transition has put on me. I started to see how I have been neglecting so many things, and halfheartedly focusing on others. I haven’t been using my time wisely, and I truly feel like every area of my life is suffering. I want to quit. I haven’t been writing like I used to, haven’t spent time with friends and family, we have been eating boxed mac and cheese, and I can’t remember the last time I ran.
Why is it that it feels like when one area of life falls apart, all the others follow suit? Can it work the other way around? If I pick up the pieces in one area, will the others come back together? Will it be easier to fix the others? Or would it be easier to quit the things that are hard? Sure, it could be easier, but what in life that’s worth anything is easy?
This week, Thursday to be exact, we will be moving. We plan to do a lot of it on our own on Thursday and Friday, and then on Saturday we will get a truck and do the few big pieces. I’ve decided that since this week is marking the end of this transitional period, and this time next week we will be in our new home, I am going to take a break from a few things in order to put the pieces back together in others. Take a break before I feel like I have no other option but to quit.
I am going to spend this week with my family and packing. That’s it. Due to that, I will be on social media very little, and won’t be blogging for the rest of the week. I need to feel like I am doing something right this week, and I really do feel like this is the right thing.
Faye is craving some undivided attention, out of the house. I think a trip to the park, botanical gardens, and library is in store for us this week. The pictures on here are from when we went to the park on Friday night as a family. It was some of the best time we have all had together in a long time. Free, uninhibited, and unrestricted fun. We were present, still, and things felt simple. I’m looking for a little more of that this week to get me back on my feet.
The busyness of life is what makes us overwhelmed. It is what causes life to change and roar. A lot of times I feel like we feel weak if we admit that we need a break from something. If we can’t seem to juggle everything, and perfectly, then what is our worth? Those are lies that I have found myself to believe, and get trapped under the pressure of them. Striving to be the best version of ourselves is such a good thing sometimes, but I think when it becomes to be too much, we have to go back to the simplicity of things to reroot ourselves. Reset our calibration. Take a break. We need to learn when to give ourselves a break before we are forced to quit.
I’m not sure if any of this makes sense to anyone else, but this is where I am right now. If you’re still reading, you are a saint. If you feel like this, know you aren’t alone. And if you feel inclined, please reach out to me, I’d love to hear from you.
Until next week, my friends. I am excited to give you an update on life, and the new house next Monday or so!